Part 2: What If I'm Not Failing?

Maybe motherhood isn't exposing my weaknesses, but rather exposing my needs

If you read part 1 of this series, you know there was a particular need that led to this tipping point of realizing my sensitive system’s requirements were going unmet, yet struggling to meet them in motherhood. What I didn’t realize was that this was just one of many needs I had yet to uncover. The more I paid attention to my areas of struggle, the more I realized that this wasn’t an isolated problem.

It was, instead, one piece of a much bigger picture: paying attention to what I needed wasn't exactly a skill I'd spent much time developing. And as it turns out, my needs are pretty specific.

Maybe I hadn’t paid attention because I had gotten very good at being adaptable. I was the good girl, the giver, the peacemaker—the one who could adjust, accommodate, and go along with what was needed. Let’s just say, I make a very good chameleon.

But instead of blending into my surroundings, I’m learning that I’m just a different “breed” of mom. Stay with me while I unpack this…

A Different “Breed” of Mom

You know how different dog breeds have differing needs for exercise, grooming, and affection. Some are bred to be watchdogs, some companion dogs, some guard dogs, some hunting, etc. We don't look at a border collie and a bulldog and say, "Why can't you two just need the same amount of exercise?"

I think humans are a little like dogs in that way: we have different needs, different temperaments, and different things we're naturally designed for. Intuitively, I’ve always known this; I mean, I’ve always found personality type extremely interesting.

Yet for some reason, I’ve found it extremely difficult to grasp and admit that I have different needs. Somewhere along the way, I had absorbed the idea that if other mothers (or really just other people) could handle something, I should be able to handle it too.

When I decided to stay home with my kids, I naively expected I would and could adapt to the full-time role of caregiver. But my particular temperament, sensitive nervous system, and set of needs had other plans.

I started out thinking stay-at-home motherhood felt hard mainly because of the loss of identity- going from working in the corporate world to staying home- and yes, that was part of it. Then I blamed the lack of sleep and nutrient depletion, which certainly didn’t help either. But as time went on, I couldn’t ignore the fact that there were parts of me that just had a hard time being home full-time with my kids, and there didn’t seem to be anything I could do to change that.

I found myself constantly overwhelmed, yet simultaneously underfulfilled. Busy, yet bored. I was chronically overstimulated and needing quiet, yet craving deep, adult conversation. I was doing the most meaningful work of my life, yet at times felt dull and empty. And all I could think was that I was not good at staying home. I was failing. I must not be cut out for this. And I wanted to run away.

Eventually, I started asking myself what I wanted and needed that wasn’t getting met in my current situation. Particularly, I started getting more specific about what I actually needed to function well. What I found wasn't necessarily surprising, but seeing it all laid out helped me understand why I'd been struggling so much.

I needed:

• meaningful mental stimulation

• periods of quiet

• autonomy

• adult conversation

• novelty/variety

• time alone to recharge

• something that’s mine

• enough margin that I don't feel constantly "on"

And those needs were clashing HARD with the reality of staying home with young kids.

But what is both freeing to realize and hard to internalize is that none of these needs make me a bad mother. They make me the person I am.

The part that’s still hard for me to wrap my head around is that maybe I’m not failing at motherhood after all. Maybe I just need a different way to do it that works for my particular operating system.

The thing is, unlike a computer or a new piece of equipment, no one hands you your exact operating manual that lays out how to best take care of yourself. Which means you’re left to learn what you need and how to function your best through trial and error. A lot of motherhood advice assumes everyone functions similarly; but that’s really not the case because we are all so unique.

So where does that leave us?

I’m not really sure yet.

But maybe the goal isn't to become the kind of mother who can tolerate anything. Maybe it's understanding what I need to show up well for myself and my family—and learning to be okay with needing it.

Wondering what you need in motherhood?

If you’re a sensitive mom and motherhood feels harder than it “should,” you might not need to try harder—you might need to understand what your particular system is asking for.

Take my free quiz to find out what’s actually draining you—and what you can start doing about it.